Finding One

Amidst the clamor, there stands One waiting for me.

In amongst all the things needing to be done and lights and noise and words and crowds of people and opinions, there stands One who knows my name and how many hairs I have on my head.

Very near the hearts of children needing to be seen and loved and heard, One stands poised and ready to pour out love.

In amongst theologies, loudest worship, taxable giving and prayer chains, there stands One...waiting.

Between two hearts longing to draw near to each other, surrounded by walls of regret, harsh words, and old hurts stands One Who has the power to join hearts and spirits and wipe away brokenness.

In the arms of this One lie bodies and hearts needing mending.
Broken hearts sit, often unaware,  in his hands.
Broken spirits break His heart.
Tears for each are kept in a bottle.

Love is waiting.

I can't find it for you. I cannot spell out your need. I can't even give the love of God to my own children.
My hands are tied. They have no power to give you or anyone else the knowledge of His love and fill the shape of the hole in your heart that longs to be filled.
I would if I could.

I would hear your hurts and open you up and pour the goodness I know in.
I can't.
But it's there.

I can't see the wind, but it's there.
Can I see the results of it?

Love is like that.
A powerful, moving force. Unseen except for the results.
It has the power to change the very landscape, the view, the perspective, the desires, the motives, the very soul hidden so deep no one knows--but One.

It's never about rules. It's never about accomplishments. It's about a need, a longing for SOMETHING, and the ability of One to be all.

"I’m looking for a place
that I can plant my faith
one thing I know for sure
I cannot create it
I cannot sustain it
It’s Your love that’s captured me...

You and You, alone
Keep bringing me back home.

You are my strength..."
(song by Michael Gungor)

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A quick follow-up to Sticks and Stones

I wrestled with writing Sticks and Stones for several days before I posted it.  Actually, upon reflection, I have been wrestling for about two years with writing it;  knowing I would, but not sure how.
It was difficult for me to write for so many reasons.

For one thing, there is so much I want to say, but won't because it doesn't serve a  purpose and wouldn't reflect well.  So this makes it challenging to know exactly WHAT to say.
For another, I brace myself for backlash.  It's out there, but this time I didn't hear it.  This time, I received only love and graciousness, empathy and kindness.
I also heard through various avenues of communication that there were other women who could relate in their own ways.

The day I was deciding whether or not to hit the "publish" button, Christian and I drove through a blizzard into town to run an errand.  I had been praying about whether or not to post the blog.  I walked into a grocery store and from behind me, I hear my name.
It was the beautiful lady who I had referred to in my blog who related so well with my story.  There she was!!  What are the odds?  Christian looked at my surprised face and asked if I needed any more confirmation about whether or not I should send my words out into cyberspace.
Nope.  A huge, sweet hug from my new friend helped my day along and we set up a coffee date.
It was yesterday.  It was absolutely a precious time in which we related and shared and told each other our stories and prayed and wondered if there were any women out there that would like to meet and talk and relate and share their stories.
And begin to heal.

At the end of our meeting she told me she was going to give me a hug from a mother.  The kind of hug a real mother would give her little girl.  She whispered words of love in my ear and told me I am beautiful and worth loving.  It was quite a moment in my life.  One I'll never forget.

On that note, I want to say thank you to everyone who read and shared Sticks and Stones and especially those who took the time to comment or contact me.
If you live in my area and are interested in meeting to share and relate, please contact me by leaving a comment at the bottom of this blog.  We extend the invitation with open arms and hearts and are praying that our hearts will connect with yours.
In His love...

All better

We did some partying at my house this week. This girl is pooped!

My sweet husband had his birthday, and I try to do it up big for him. His birthday is four months before mine, and since I pretty much declare my birthday a national holiday, I like to let him see how good it feels to be celebrated all day.

But, also this week, I was in the midst of preparing to host a party for a dear friend on behalf of her husband. We threw her a surprise birthday party at my house and had a lot of fun. I LOVE to event-plan. I love the decorating and the cooking and planning the little things to make someone feel special.

Somewhere in the midst of me planning and running around like a chicken with my head cut off, I got a tooth-ache. Now, let me say, I come from a line of good teeth. I had two grandparents who never had a cavity, and I'm lining up under that "good-teeth umbrella." No cavities for this girl! And I hate the dentist and would be sooo happy if I never had to go back. So, when my tooth started to hurt, I moved to the land called Denial. And, in my defense, it really felt like something in my gums--not a cavity.

So, it hurt and hurt until chewing became difficult, and soup became my friend. And for a meal to hurt me is like a betrayal.

This went on for about ten days. Finally, Christian looked at me and said, "I'm making you a dentist appointment in the morning." Instantly, my heart was beating way too fast, and I begged him to never say those horrible words again. "Could you guys just please pray for me?" I asked. My family circled up and laid hands on me and prayed.

And then, I left for the midnight premiere of a movie that my teenaged daughter is obsessed with.

Now, I'm going to tell you straight up that I believe God heals. I have seen miraculous healings with my own eyes. My husband and I have laid hands on our children many times and our kids have been healed. I have seen miracles, but never personally have been healed. More on that later, but first, a story.

Once upon a time, my husband, when he was just a cute little boy, was severely allergic to cats. Since he was little, he has loved kitties, but his eyes used to swell shut from even being in the same room as a cat. His dad saw this and it must have broken his heart for his son because Christian's parents laid hands on him and prayed for him to be healed.

Several days later Christian saw a kitten in the empty lot next door and brought it home to play with it. Christian's dad came home and said, "Son! What are you doing! You can't play with that cat! You're allergic!"

"No, I'm not," little Christian declared, "God healed me, remember?"

Sure enough, he was completely healed, and we have the kitties to prove it.

Not having been raised this way made this kind of faith a journey for me. I've seen it, believed for it for my own children, but if I was to be honest, I always knew that God was capable of healing me, but not sure that He would want to when I asked.

I guess I was making it about my unworthiness instead of His amazingness. How very human of me.

There's a difference between what we know in our mind and what we believe in our heart isn't there? The twelve inches or so from our head to our heart can be a great distance.

So back to my tooth. This time, I decided in my heart and mind to EXPECT to be healed. I changed my words from, "My tooth is hurting" to "God's healing my tooth!" And, as I went through the evening accompanied by screaming fans in a theater, I literally felt my teeth changing. Good thing it was dark in there because I would've looked pretty silly the way my tongue was feeling my tooth! By the time I got home, the pain that had ruined my days and meals was almost gone. Within twenty-four hours I was chewing on that side of my mouth! After more than ten days of pain, God healed me! Let me tell you, the biggest battle was, as usual, in my mind. But this time, I just decided to believe. I didn't let any thoughts in that sounded like doubt. I just waited with expectation for a healing and claimed it with my words.

And He is good.

And I am grateful.

Who am I to doubt Him and His love for me? How many times do I just accept less than He wants to offer me because I think so small?

I am in love with a God Who is big enough to heal my heart, my body, and even my thinking. Who can stick money to a wall just because I asked. Who can change my life in the blink of an eye because I let Him. Or not, because I don't.

Does He always heal? Obviously not. I don't know why. I don't have answers for all the pain folks go through. I do know that life in this world isn't meant to be perfect. No one ever said it would.

I do know, though, that I'd rather hold His hand all the way through than try to go it alone. And, in the meantime, the perks and benefits sure make a girl feel loved.