All better

We did some partying at my house this week. This girl is pooped!

My sweet husband had his birthday, and I try to do it up big for him. His birthday is four months before mine, and since I pretty much declare my birthday a national holiday, I like to let him see how good it feels to be celebrated all day.

But, also this week, I was in the midst of preparing to host a party for a dear friend on behalf of her husband. We threw her a surprise birthday party at my house and had a lot of fun. I LOVE to event-plan. I love the decorating and the cooking and planning the little things to make someone feel special.

Somewhere in the midst of me planning and running around like a chicken with my head cut off, I got a tooth-ache. Now, let me say, I come from a line of good teeth. I had two grandparents who never had a cavity, and I'm lining up under that "good-teeth umbrella." No cavities for this girl! And I hate the dentist and would be sooo happy if I never had to go back. So, when my tooth started to hurt, I moved to the land called Denial. And, in my defense, it really felt like something in my gums--not a cavity.

So, it hurt and hurt until chewing became difficult, and soup became my friend. And for a meal to hurt me is like a betrayal.

This went on for about ten days. Finally, Christian looked at me and said, "I'm making you a dentist appointment in the morning." Instantly, my heart was beating way too fast, and I begged him to never say those horrible words again. "Could you guys just please pray for me?" I asked. My family circled up and laid hands on me and prayed.

And then, I left for the midnight premiere of a movie that my teenaged daughter is obsessed with.

Now, I'm going to tell you straight up that I believe God heals. I have seen miraculous healings with my own eyes. My husband and I have laid hands on our children many times and our kids have been healed. I have seen miracles, but never personally have been healed. More on that later, but first, a story.

Once upon a time, my husband, when he was just a cute little boy, was severely allergic to cats. Since he was little, he has loved kitties, but his eyes used to swell shut from even being in the same room as a cat. His dad saw this and it must have broken his heart for his son because Christian's parents laid hands on him and prayed for him to be healed.

Several days later Christian saw a kitten in the empty lot next door and brought it home to play with it. Christian's dad came home and said, "Son! What are you doing! You can't play with that cat! You're allergic!"

"No, I'm not," little Christian declared, "God healed me, remember?"

Sure enough, he was completely healed, and we have the kitties to prove it.

Not having been raised this way made this kind of faith a journey for me. I've seen it, believed for it for my own children, but if I was to be honest, I always knew that God was capable of healing me, but not sure that He would want to when I asked.

I guess I was making it about my unworthiness instead of His amazingness. How very human of me.

There's a difference between what we know in our mind and what we believe in our heart isn't there? The twelve inches or so from our head to our heart can be a great distance.

So back to my tooth. This time, I decided in my heart and mind to EXPECT to be healed. I changed my words from, "My tooth is hurting" to "God's healing my tooth!" And, as I went through the evening accompanied by screaming fans in a theater, I literally felt my teeth changing. Good thing it was dark in there because I would've looked pretty silly the way my tongue was feeling my tooth! By the time I got home, the pain that had ruined my days and meals was almost gone. Within twenty-four hours I was chewing on that side of my mouth! After more than ten days of pain, God healed me! Let me tell you, the biggest battle was, as usual, in my mind. But this time, I just decided to believe. I didn't let any thoughts in that sounded like doubt. I just waited with expectation for a healing and claimed it with my words.

And He is good.

And I am grateful.

Who am I to doubt Him and His love for me? How many times do I just accept less than He wants to offer me because I think so small?

I am in love with a God Who is big enough to heal my heart, my body, and even my thinking. Who can stick money to a wall just because I asked. Who can change my life in the blink of an eye because I let Him. Or not, because I don't.

Does He always heal? Obviously not. I don't know why. I don't have answers for all the pain folks go through. I do know that life in this world isn't meant to be perfect. No one ever said it would.

I do know, though, that I'd rather hold His hand all the way through than try to go it alone. And, in the meantime, the perks and benefits sure make a girl feel loved.

 

For Heaven's sake, let it go...

There is a saying--though full of some serious cheese-factor--that carries more weight than people realize. Surely you've heard, "Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself." I'm here to tell you that this statement could not be more true.

I wrote a letter yesterday. It's a letter that carries a weighty opportunity underneath that stamp. You see, there's a man in this world who used to love me, but now despises me. I used to sit at his table and eat donuts and drink Pepsi (obviously those were a huge treat to this girl back in the day--actually they still are), and he would make me laugh, and I loved him. Then, my dad died and this man who loved my dad so much, held me responsible. I saw him once since then, and the look on his face when he saw me about ripped my heart to shreds. He reminds me so much of my dad and that's enough to shock my heart, but seeing the look in his eyes was too much. I was impressed yesterday deep in my spirit to ask him to forgive me in a letter. Though I could not and would not change my past decisions, we all walk different paths and wear different shoes, and somehow, my trail of footprints hurt him. I also need him to know that I forgive him. In his quiet moments, I'm sure he feels guilt and I don't want him to carry that. I extend the gift of forgiveness to him and have no expectations from here.

He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself; for every man has need to be forgiven. Thomas Fuller

Once upon a time, a boy and a girl fell in love. They were the cutest couple you ever did see, and loved each other too much for the time of life they were in because they couldn't seem to leave room for Jesus in between them and they fell. I've told our story before so I won't repeat it, but I skimmed over the heavy part. The part where God asked us to make right what we had done wrong. I was seventeen and pregnant and just a couple months from graduating. Definitely could have kept our little secret until we graduated, and carried on. But God doesn't work well with secrets. So, we stepped forward onto the path called repentance and asked for forgiveness from our church and school as a way to take what the enemy had intended to use to wipe us out and move forward into the plans God had for us. Can I just tell you how humbling it felt to stand before hundreds and admit our sin? Can I also tell you how beyond beautiful it felt to be embraced in love and shown by human hugs and hearts what forgiveness feels like? It changed us and set us on a new path. A path where we desperately wanted to remain.

Forgiveness is the answer to the child's dream of a miracle by which what is broken is made whole again, what is soiled is made clean again. Daj Hammarskjold

Yesterday, our family came together to talk through a situation that had quickly gotten out of control and caused some damage. All who had been involved were invited to work through some wounds. I was so proud of my family as each one faced raw emotion and risked more pain to be real in order to bring about healing.

I can't tell you how many times in life I've been sitting in someone's living room dealing with a situation head on rather than letting it be slipped under a rug. Christian and I learned that no matter how much we don't want to have to face something, if it's left to rot and fester, it surely will. And the talk and words and stink that follow are far harder to deal with than just looking the ugly in the face to begin with.

I've also learned that with the big stuff in life, those things that have hurt so very deeply as to alter the very fabric of who we are, forgiveness is a day to day process. Though I can know to forgive, it is sometimes much harder to be ready to let go. When faced with this personally, I learned that I forgive and then maybe even the next day when the ugliness rears its head, I forgive again and again and again. This way, I refuse to let any bitterness take root. For the big ones, it is often ongoing.

Forgiveness is like faith. You have to keep reviving it. Mason Cooley

Lastly, how do I know when I've forgiven someone? When is it truly over in my heart? For me, I know it's been handled when I wish the best for the person who hurt me. When I really want for them to be blessed as I have been blessed.
Because, really, who am I to withhold forgiveness when I have been so graciously and lovingly forgiven?

Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk. Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32

Pure Bliss

"Thought would destroy their paradise.
No more; where ignorance is bliss,
'Tis folly to be wise."
Thomas Gray

The truth is, I'd really rather not know.

If I had a dollar for every time I'd thought that very phrase, I'd retire right now. Because knowing better means you should do better, right? Once I know something, I can never again claim ignorance as my excuse to remain the same. I must change.

This morning when I woke up, I had a YouTube viewing opportunity. It was a thirty minute journey prefaced by the comment, "I couldn't stop crying." I knew, if I watched it I would open my heart to someone's pain and inevitably I would feel compelled to do something. To know, or not to know?

Obviously, the easier path is always to not know. Somewhere in the last few years, perhaps it was when I told God He had me for all and whatever, He has shown me my very own Pandora's box.

Remember The Matrix? I took the red pill. Fortunately, my family did, too because if I was alone in this, I don't know if I could have survived.

Yesterday, my family and I visited a farm and finished our learning about the benefits of drinking raw milk. That is, unpasteurized, non-homogenized milk. The same stuff that our government has deemed unfit and dangerous is full of extreme health benefits for our family. The government is so scared of folks drinking it that they consider it illegal. Really. Drinking (buying) milk right from the cow is illegal in most states. Ma and Pa Ingalls would be so confused! Now, I'm not here to tout the benefits of our choice. I'm just using an example. I balked at learning about this one. I had read (and read and read) about the benefits and knew that eventually, I wouldn't be able to deny it, but I also knew that once I made the leap it was going to cost me; cost me money, convenience, time, and once again, we are traveling farther down the road called "Weird" as a family. Now that we made the jump, I'll never look back. I know it was the right choice for us, and I will fight to protect this decision we have made.

A million times I have been through this process. It's not gotten easier. I have learned about everything from air fresheners to immunizations. None of these things have made me popular. All of these things have made me better. I guess that's what it comes down to. What's important? Going with the flow or being obedient? Just like my kids, once upon a time, I drag and maybe stomp my feet occasionally when I need to obey. But, always, when I was asking them to obey, it was with their best interest in mind. Good parents don't usually say, "No," just to hear our own voice, do we? Usually we have some inside knowledge and are just trying to protect our babies from pain.

I'm going to go deep here, but I have to say that I believe the biggest disservice Christianity has done to itself is the attitude it has copped, behaving as if it knows best and everyone who doesn't is just plain wrong. Like my husband says, it creates an "us and them" mentality in which no one wins. We want folks to know that we have some inside knowledge that would change the very fiber of their being. That once they know, they will find the peace they long for deep, deep in their very soul. We want them to know the love we know and the forgiveness we have found, but we do it much like the folks did a couple thousand years ago that frustrated Jesus, Himself (see Matthew 23). As a whole, we've made it about the rules and the details and the "shoulds" instead of just living the love and letting Him do His work. It's so simple and we've complicated it all up.

Yes, there is One answer to man's humanity. I do not believe there is any other way to spend an eternity with our Creator than to have surrendered to His Son. But, the problem is when we try to share that info by sharing truth in a way that makes anyone feel smaller, we have failed. Jesus never made anyone feel small. He simply loved. And this prevented folks from feeling the need to quickly feel like they had to change a million things to be loved by Him. They were loved where they were--as they were. Then, their hearts cried out for what He had to offer and they knew His Truth and it set them free. They knew better and did better from a heart responding to love.

We are afraid to hear truth because it may cost us. But is ignorance truly bliss?

If I refuse to look does it make the truth any less real?

All and whatever may not be the simplest route, but the benefit package is out of this world. And, that, my friends is pure bliss.

 

"All these victims stand in line for the crumbs that fall from the table. Just enough to get by. All the while your invitation, wake on up from your slumber. Open up your eyes. Sing like we used to. Dance when you want to. Taste of the breakthrough and open wide." Need to Breathe

Video you probably need to see...