Letting it all hang out...

Sometimes I get comments regarding this blog that none of you ever see. I wish they were all out there--the good, the bad, and the ugly, but for various reasons, people don't always post them right out here in the open.

That's okay, because I realize that as you read my blogs, you don't see all of my reality either. My blog is about how I hope; how I aspire to be better; how I learn and grow. It doesn't always show the nitty-gritty.

I do not have it all together. I don't even have it half together. So, when someone even hints that my blog presents Alison in a way that makes them feel, I don't even know the word...intimidated? I feel horrible. I'm gonna give you a transparent look at me. No excuses or defending myself. Just the truth.

Are ya ready? Will you still love me? :o)

I am a nag. I correct my family for bad grammar and their choices and in doing so have made them feel small. It happens way too much and I want to shut my mouth, but I don't do it even when my brain is screaming at me to shut-up!

I am very opinionated. I know how I feel and I can't be talked out of it. Maybe this means I think I'm right too often. Ouch. I don't generally share my opinion unless asked, except with my family who know my heart, but I wish I could just be more flexible.

I rarely make my bed. If someone is coming over, of course it gets made. How would it reflect on me as a woman with an unmade bed? Such a scandal. And I bought floors that hide dirt extremely well because I wash them far too infrequently.

I laugh at very inappropriate moments. Once a friend was telling me a really sad story. I mean like saw-your-leg-off kinda story and she was crying, and I started laughing. When I was supposed to give my kids "the talk" I couldn't because I laugh too hard when I'm supposed to be serious. This means I cry at the wrong moments, too. I can be watching a commercial about, I don't know--a Honda--and burst into ridiculous tears that makes my family look at me like I'm crazy. Wacky, backwards emotions.

I sit on my butt sometimes when I should be busier. I read too much. It keeps me up too late and then I sleep too long and can't get all my work done. I need a lot of sleep or I'm a cranky bear.

I forget my friends' birthdays. I am horrible at sending cards, I rarely give gifts--if I do, it's probably going to be in a Meijer bag. I just forget to be thoughtful.

Maybe because I am so self-centered so often. Case in point. This blog installment. All about me. Too many times, too many days, it's just all about Alison.

I'm not very disciplined. I eat more than I'd like, and other than the last month, I've never stuck with any form of exercise that makes me break a sweat. It's too hard (she says with a whine).

My marriage. I wouldn't trade it for anything. As much as we've loved and learned, the only reason we are who we are as a couple is the grace of God. Not because of us because we argue about the silliest stuff. And, though I sometimes think that we have some experience to pass along, I have it so not together that I wrote four blogs around an anniversary date that was a whole month off! Did you catch that? Our dating anniversary is in February--not January! Oh, my...

So, how to redeem this ME blog? Well, I claim humanity as my defense. I claim forgiveness as my get-out-of-jail-free card. I claim grace as my ticket out of all the trouble I get myself into. 

Love, does indeed, cover a multitude of sins. And, one thing I know for sure is how loved I am. It takes messing up to feel forgiven and know mercy. It takes walking a dark road in pain that is sometimes self-inflicted to recognize the warmth of love-undeserved. And that is the sweetest kind, isn't it?

Perfect? Not by a long shot. Loved? Completely.

TA-DA!!

 This is it--the final countdown! Hopefully, you've been following along and read the first three parts to this lengthy project. But, if you didn't, it's okay, because the three points that follow are the ones that count. You could throw away the rest and have the very best marriage if you lived out what you are about to read. Mainly because I didn't write them. Someone infinitely wise did and He knew what He was talking about. 

In case you've never thought about it, God gave us specific help in how to have a successful relationship by telling each sex how to do the thing that would be the most difficult, maybe not the most natural, but definitely the most rewarding for them.
What I mean is, girls, if we would just relinquish the need to control everything and allow our husband to be in the place of loving leadership that he is supposed to be, he won't be able to help but love us the way we long to be loved!
And guys, if you would love us girls as completely and unselfishly as described, we couldn't help but want to be everything you need! It's a beautiful circle in which everyone is fulfilled and loved.

If only we could just get it right!

Here's what He said...(Ephesians 5:22-28) 

3. This one's for the ladies...

 Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands. 

 2. Gentlemen...

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They're really doing themselves a favor—since they're already "one" in marriage.

 1. The Big Kahuna!

 I'm gonna start with a story. Once upon a time, at the Kirksey house, there was a big fight.  The details escape me, but what I do remember is that the very air in the house was palpable with the remnants whatever had happened. No one wanted to be around each other or could look each other in the eye. People had been wronged. 

All of a sudden, the husband asked his family to gather in the living room. As a demonstration of how to serve, he brought a basin of warm water and began gently washing the feet of his family. He ended by lovingly washing the feet of his wife as his children looked on. Not a dry eye in the house. 

Love enough to serve!

Service is sacrificial. It thinks of others more than yourself. It is love in action.

At the end of the day, if I can ask my husband, "How could I have served you better today?" and mean it, and if my husband will do the same, we will have the marriage dreams are made of.

 

We are working on it, are you?

Try it. I double-dog dare you!!

 Thanks for taking this journey with me. It has gotten me thinking and Christian and I talking just in the writing of it. I would love your feedback! Tell me if any of this struck a nerve or had an impact. What are your best marriage tips? 

Happy (Dating) Anniversary, Sweetheart. As always, it's all for you...


Photo credit--Addie Kirksey

As I was about to publish this post today, I learned that my aunt, that I loved so dearly, had passed away. The last couple years have been very difficult for her, health-wise, and her husband stood by her and loved and served her in a way I've never seen before. His love is exactly the kind of love I aspire to. For nearly 58 years those two have been the best of friends and I am beyond thankful for their example. Thank you, Uncle Harry, for your leadership and servant's heart. I love you.

Love is an action verb!

This is part three of four blogs that I'm writing to share what I've learned in twenty-two years of loving one man. I will finish them tomorrow on our twenty-second anniversary of being together.

If you haven't read part one or part two yet, you will want to for this to make sense. So click on those words and then stop back in here.

So, perhaps you'll find a nugget or two if you're married, would like to be married, or know someone who is married. If you do, let me know what resonates. I love your feedback!

 

7. Dream a little dream with me!

One of the saddest things I've seen is couples who forget each other. Life, kids, bills, unresolved issues--they all have a way of wiggling in between a marriage and forming a wall that grows brick by brick until folks look around and have no idea how they got there or how in the world to find their way back to each other. Or worse yet, they are unsure if they even want to. Obviously, they forgot that the person on the other side is the same person that once knocked their socks off.

How to prevent this, you ask? Other than adhering to tips 22-8, spend enough time together to dream! After all the squabbles have passed and the children are grown, there will remain two people with the potential for great things! Christian and I have big plans. I'm sooo excited to experience life with just him. Our kids know that they got a lot of our time and attention for a while, but there is a marriage here that has legs. Wouldn't that be a good thing to know as the child? I wish I would have rested on that kind of secure foundation.

It's never too late. If your view looks like some bricks, they can come down even easier than they went up. Demolition is always easier than construction.

6. Ticks and triggers

What makes me tick? Well, Christian ought to know by now. And it works to his benefit to use that information. He knows I love a good love note--even if it's written with soap on the bathroom mirror. He knows that I find a back scratch or a slow dance ultra-romantic. 

Do you know what makes the one you love happy and feel loved? Not what you would want, but what they really like. What makes them tick, trips their trigger, or floats their boat? 

Find it. Do it. It screams love!

5. Trust Me.

Be worthy of trust. 

And no matter what your past issues are with folks who have hurt you and left your trust account in a deficit, bestow trust. It's a priceless gift that sets a foundation upon which every thing else can be built and remain solid.

4. It's you (two) against the world.

For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)

As much as I want to finish the remaining three now, they are so important to me they deserve their own page. So I will finish them tomorrow on the big day. You might as well begin the drumroll now...

 

Pie, songs, and sweet little lies...

 

This is the second installment of a series. In case you didn't catch installment #1, you can see it here.

Otherwise, to quickly recap, what follows is a partial list of my 22 best marriage tips in honor of the 22 years I have enjoyed with my sweet husband.  Numbers 22 down to 14 have already been covered so I begin again...

13. Sing, sing a song.

Have some fun, people! Surely, you have a song that's "your song". Make it your ringtone. It'll make you smile. My phone screams an eighties, huge-haired-band's version of a ballad every time my man needs to hear my voice ('cause why else would he be calling?!). 

Or learn and play a game together instead of mindlessly staring at the TV every night. We turned off our cable for a couple years and took up Cribbage. Quit laughing! We had a blast and still do when we pull out a deck of cards and laugh and play and talk and dream together. Try it. You'll like it!

12. Some things need to be kept sacred.

This is Christian's contribution. I asked him what advice he would give, and he said things like, "No gassy food before bed. Keep matches in the bathroom (or Febreze)." And, "Keep some things sacred." For us, this means that I want my husband to keep finding me attractive and vice versa. This means that though we share a bathroom, there are certain things we don't share that we do in the bathroom. Get it?

 

11. Eat the pie called Humble.

Do you need to control and be right, or tear down a potential marriage-killing wall? When you're wrong, and sometimes even if you weren't, be humble and do what it takes to fix it. There is no such thing as winning a fight, is there? No one really wins anything. 

And, when you say you're sorry, mean it. No apologies like I heard growing up like, "I'm sorry you're so sensitive." 

It doesn't count.

10. Line it up.

God is first. He's the glue--the very fabric of who we are as a couple. If I'm not dialed in like I should be, my marriage will suffer. I will expect things from Christian that aren't fair to him. I will become unfairly needy of him when my priorities are out of line. I will be unbalanced and he will feel that. 

When God is in the right place, I am a better wife, and he is a better husband. It's just the truth.

But, immediately following that position is my husband. Not the kids, not my purpose, not my friends, or my needs. He won't demand too much if he feels valued, and that's most definitely a two-way street.

 

9. Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies.

Whatever I say about my husband should build him up. And he is so good about complimenting me. His nickname for me is "Beautiful." I may not be the essence of beauty at that moment, sporting bed-head and morning breath, but somehow I believe him at that moment. Gosh, I love that guy...

8. Did I mention no granny underwear?

To be continued...

 

How do I love you? Let me count the ways...

As only the sappiest of saps can do, in a few days, my sweet man and I will celebrate our dating anniversary. I use the term "celebrate" loosely because we don't even really "celebrate" our wedding anniversary. Certainly not because we find it unworthy of celebration, but we just don't tend to do anything normal so why that, either?

Frankly, I would be mad at Christian if he bought me jewelry or roses or took me to a fancy restaurant. That's just not us. At some point, he is threatening to lay down some cash and buy me what he calls a "real ring" since I'm still proudly sporting the "diamond" he bought me with his first real paycheck and with which he proposed. It's no rock, and I think it embarrasses him, but to me, it tells our story. It's where we came from. It's how far God brought us! And, I don't mean financially. I mean from two kids who didn't have a clue to a place of love and harmony.
See? Sappy.

So, though I hate to say I'm old enough to remember anything from 22 years ago, I do remember a boy who turned my very world upside down.
And, in celebration, over the next few days, I am going to attempt to share 22 things I've learned with you, my faithful readers.

This does not come from a place of claiming, "I have arrived" because just a few minutes ago, we had one of our little moments that make our children roll their eyes and ask if we would just hurry up and make up. We are laughably imperfect, but I do adore that man and think he might just say the same.

So, not necessarily in order of importance, here I go.

22. Make sure it's covered.
I'm referring to refusing to keep secrets. From the beginning, tell each other everything. If you're best friends, this one is a no-brainer. Best friends spend time together and share everything. I can't tell you how many couples I have talked to that keep plenty to themselves. Not cool. If you can't talk it through, you can't work it through.

21. Get a sweater.
In case you didn't know it, it is a proven fact that the temperature of the room or car is a huge bickering point. Usually, she's cold and blasts the heat, and he's sweltering and getting irritated. So, girls, bring a blankie until he gets closer to middle age and starts to feel the same chill you've been telling him about your whole life. Then you can smile when he wants to share your blankie and he's the one to wonder why the thermostat is set so low.

20. Use a Q-tip.
Listen up. In this world of rectangles (all things with screens) eye contact seems to be a rare commodity, and with it goes true listening. All anyone wants is to matter. Though it has been claimed that women have some 20,000 words to spend in a day and men only 7,000, if we choose you to share them with please honor the most you can with clean ears.
And, for the record, I highly contest those statistics. Anyone who knows a loquacious, verbose, Kirksey male will agree.

19. Keepin' it PG
Ladies, never, for any reason, buy granny underwear.
That is simply all I'm gonna say about that.

18. Above the belt.
Having seen fights that cross lines, we decided early on to draw lines and stick to them. And we have. It is possible. Fights never get physical. And they never hit below the belt emotionally either. Stick to the issue at hand. And speaking of fighting...

17. Stay up really late.
We have renewed this promise to each other recently because, well, we got older and sleep becomes boss sometimes when your old. But, it shouldn't. Solomon was pretty smart and he reminded us to resolve things before we sleep. I guess with all those wives, he knew what the day after felt like if there had been a unresolved issue. Not cool. And let's just admit, it is sometimes just a way to punish someone to let the problem sit so long it starts stinkin'. Get it over with, but remember #18 even when you're really, really tired.

16. Never say "never".
Never say "you always", "you never" or "divorce".
Or the grandaddy of all, "You're just like your mother." Ever.
Seriously, when you fight, avoid statements that begin with the word "you" unless they are super big compliments.

15. It's all about you.
In that moment where your heart is pounding 'cause you're so mad, and you wondered if you were insane to ever choose your spouse in the first place, pray for them.
Ha! You're gonna pray through gritted teeth and it will start something like, "Fine, I'll pray. I'll pray a big brick falls on their head so some sense gets knocked into them!" But, it's a proven fact (by me, anyway) that you cannot stay mad at someone you're praying for. Try praying that God will shower them with His love and peace and give Him permission to work in your marriage.
Then try this one, "Search me, O God. Try me and know my thoughts. See if there is any wicked way in me and lead me in the path of righteousness." Ouch.
Don't hate. It works. And if you are serious at all about your relationship, you'll try it whether he/she does or not.

14. Slow dance.
(Pretty self-explanatory)

To be continued...

I like to move it, move it.

For days, three words have been in my head. 

It all started one morning when, after a shower, I realized I was left with the remnants of the previous night's makeup all over my face. My clownish face needed some attention. The lazy voice in my head (the same one that didn't let me do the job right the night before either) encouraged me to just wipe off what didn't look right. The common sense voice was reminding me that if I didn't start from scratch and really clean my face effectively, I'd pay for it all day with smears and smudges. (Okay. I know I've lost the boys. Hang in there with me.)

That's when I knew these words. Move or Remove. 

Either I could move things around a bit to make it look good enough, or I could get out the tools to completely remove the remnant and start with a clean slate.

It got me thinking. You know when you clean the house and find yourself arranging and moving piles to different locations instead of really dealing with them? Does everyone else have a stack of paper mess that is much easier to put into a cupboard with doors than sort and find places for? Move or remove?

Have you ever been to a tick state in the spring? A tick state, you ask? We have been to a couple states that I hope to avoid for the rest of my life in this springtime. If you knew how I feel about bugs, you'd understand. I'm not too ashamed to admit that I've been known to cry hysterically when faced with a big bug. So far, I know that Minnesota and Arkansas are places so full of these little suckers that we all did tick-checks every single time we came in from outside. They were found in hair, under rings, and in other unmentionable locations. How effective would it be to remove one of them from your arm and then let it bury its little nasty head into your leg instead?

Now, look at that picture and tell me...move or remove?

I have a friend who, when she prays, says "Lord, remove from me anything that is not like You." Not move it around. Not put it where I don't have to look at it, but remove it.

We had a discussion in our family last week about taking thoughts captive (fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ--2 Cor. 10:5). Thoughts that come in my mind either are 1.  a plant from the enemy (hoping to get me into a pattern of stinkin' thinkin'), 2. my own emotion (usually not the safest, most stable place, or 3. Truth.

If it is destructive, I need to evaluate where it came from, take it captive, and get it out of there before it takes root and does damage!  Remove it!! Then replace it with something good. 

Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies. Philippians 4:8,9

As I begin a new year, this is a goal I have set. To pull out those thoughts--you know the ones I mean. The ones that try to tell me how I fail, or that I have nothing to offer, or that I'll never be enough. The ones that compare my abilities, the way I look, my failures, to those around me and lead me into negative patterns in my mind.

I don't want to ease them out. I want to rip those little suckers out by the root, and replace them with truth. To be a part of the most excellent harmonies. 

I will fill myself with truth and surround myself with people who love me and help speak truth into me. And I rest in the knowledge that I am who I was made to be. I was specifically designed (Psalm 139) just as I am by One Who sees me all the way through to the ugly, and loves me even to that place. That love fills the place where stuff was removed, and soothes the wound left by so much garbage.

And then, finally, I looked up how the word "move" was used in reference to Jesus because in all I do I want it to look the most like Him. Here's what I found...

Mark 6:34 "And Jesus, when He came out, saw a great multitude and was moved with compassion for them..." 

Mark 1:41 "Then Jesus, moved with compassion, stretched out His hand and touched him..." 

Matthew 14:14 "And when Jesus went out He saw a great multitude; and He was moved with compassion for them, and healed their sick."

 Yup. That's how I want to be. Moved with compassion (thinking about someone other than myself) and taking action. Anyone with me?